Reflections on loss
I recently saw a beautiful wedding picture of a precious couple on their wedding day. The Bride and Groom were walking out of Church, she with her beautiful floral bouquet, and he, the groom, carrying a cross in his arms. This image struck me so deeply. This was one of the most illuminating images to me, on a wedding day, of what Christian marriage truly is. We are to carry our crosses, together, with Christ at the helm. It is just what Jesus tells us in the gospel of Mark, chapter 8 verse 34; “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.”
Today we are experiencing one of those crosses about which Jesus spoke. “Take it up, Missy, and follow me.” But I say, “I don’t want to take up this cross, Lord. The cross of loss is one that I feel like I would rather not have any more of. Please.” And yet He beckons, “Take it up and follow me.” And so we do.
A little less than a week ago we got the sad news that the little life that had been growing in my womb since before Christmas, the little life that we had fallen in love with already, the little life that, yes, we had already started to have all of life’s dreams about, that little life . . . no longer had a heartbeat. We had just heard a pounding, strong, steady heartbeat not too long before. We were in disbelief. Everything had gone so well. Yet, this was our reality. “Take it up, and follow me.” We leave with broken hearts.
You see, the suffering of miscarriage is one that is such a strange suffering to grieve. You are mourning and grieving a life that you’ve never actually met. There are dreams that never come to be. There is a life with the little one that you never get to live, but you have desired it so. It’s such a strange grief. But then again, what grief isn’t strange and hard to feel and experience?
As I grieve, I am confused. I am confused by the joy and the excitement that we got to experience, but which is abruptly stripped away. It’s gone. And yet, is it? I ask the Lord to show me – show me why. Not why did this happen, because I know the Lord didn’t cause any of this to happen, but why. Just why and what…what am I supposed to know in this. I want to believe that there is something beautiful that will come from this suffering. Something Lord please give me something. And I hear it. I know it. I know that He is here so close. I want you to see your capacity for love in this. Do you see how much your heart expanded to welcome this new life that I gave to you? That expansion doesn’t go away. I want you to love in your home so much bigger than you have been loving. I have made you for so much more than you are giving. Give that love that you have been given to your husband, and to each of your children already in your home. And to me!!! I have made you for so much more!
You see, very often during these short months of my knowing about this growing life in me, my prayer to the Lord has over and over been…please Lord, supply me with all that I need to be able to love and care for this new life well. Please supply me Lord, I need all of You to be able to love well. I felt so inadequate. In my experiencing my personal poverty through this, I have experienced just that. My poverty. And that, unlike what the world would have us believe, is not a bad thing. It’s my realization that I can’t do it on my own. I can’t depend solely on myself for everything. I need God. And I need others.
I suppose maybe that’s why I kept feeling the nudge to write over these last days. Maybe because I am deeply aware of how much I need prayer right now. The sadness today as I prepare to undergo my surgical procedure at the end of the physical miscarriage road feels like so much. And yes, I do need prayer. I felt dramatic wanting to write about it, so I just kept asking, really Lord? Do I really have to write about this? Really Missy. It may even be the prayers of so many dear friends that I have shared my heart with are what lead to this little writing today…because those ladies - I know they pray!!! So my prayer is that, in sharing a piece of this journey with you, maybe there is one woman that needed to read this today. Journeying and grieving through a miscarriage is such a hidden suffering. One that many women/couples often don’t let others in to. And it’s totally understandable why. It is such a personal pain. And I’m not saying there is any right or wrong way to suffer through it. I am praying and offering for you. Sisters who have been through this, my heart is breaking with yours. This is my third miscarriage and it seems to be emotionally the most difficult. We shared with our children, all of whom are much older and very able to understand, our sadness last week. They got the news that I was pregnant and that we had lost the baby all in one session. There were very many emotions experienced during that hour by all of them. Pretty sure we walked through the entire feelings chart! Ha!
But seriously, I believe that this is what it means to be pro-life. It means allowing our hearts the opportunity to have their capacity stretched and grown and filled. Whether it be by acknowledging by name the person on the street that it may be difficult to make eye contact with because their suffering feels like more than we can bear; or walking with the friend who is struggling with ANYTHING and everything; or opening our arms to new life; helping aging family members; or any family members!! Just reverencing the life that is in front of us at all times. And knowing, that if we open up to God’s LOVE in us, we can do anything. He gives us that promise.
I am guilty. I am guilty of speaking in non-reverencing ways when I ask for the 10th time for clothes to be put away, or to please stop speaking to me disrespectfully, or when I’m at my wits end with housework and everything that needs to be done in life…and in that I’m called…He beckons me over and over again…”Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me”. You see, the longer we live this marriage and this life, the Lord is illuminating our paths with the cross. Christian marriage cannot exist without the cross. We can try so hard to live life without the cross. We work so hard to eliminate or numb suffering in our lives at all costs. I know I do. And yet, the very path to true joy and true, full, abundant life is the cross. HE is the Way, the Truth and the Life! Would that we could follow you Lord. And not follow ourselves and our whims. I’m begging this prayer of You Lord. I don’t want to follow myself anymore. May this new life that You have given to me and to my family, now in heaven, be our new heavenly aid, to living a new other centered, God centered life. We want more of You Lord! And You want more from us! You have given us more than what we are giving to You! Stretching and growing is really really painful. But He promises to be with us. And when we really look to Him. And really talk to Him. And really let Him into our hearts, and into our mess…He is always there. This is prayer. We can’t see God’s presence in our lives if we aren’t talking to Him.
As I picture that image of the bride and the groom walking out of the Church, once facing one another, and now, facing the world, I think I can say I am seeing the flowers that the Bride carries are springing out of the sufferings of Christ on the cross in the arms of the groom. I think I can see it Lord!! Keep giving me eyes Lord not only to see, but to live this reality. To respond to the Love that You lavish upon us. This is abundant life! Please continue to illuminate our paths with the Light of Your Love, the Light of Your cross. St. Thomas Aquinas who is one of the most prolific theological authors of all time, said something like, all of my studies, all of my intellect and learning are nothing as I sit at the foot of Your Cross Lord. It is here that my studies are but nothing. Increase our capacity for love. Fill us with Your Love. “Give me just enough love for today Lord” St. Therese would ask. Just enough Love for today. Amen.